Piece By Piece

This is good bye

2009-03-13T02:20:44Z

Some crazy shit went down today and I realize that i need to cut people out of my life like i stated in the post before this. Sooo Thomas this is goodbye.... Shawna this is good luck and please always put shane first (Both of you)....Randall I'll talk to you through our other various online bullshits along with everyone else. I need to let go of my past and stay focused on my present and future.
Please dont contact me any longer and i will extend the same courtsey. This is whats best. I need to pay attention to this good thing I have and stop remebering all the lies and cheating and beatings that I had and realize that not everyone is a fucking dick.

signing off.

the BEST

2009-03-11T18:39:35Z

The more shit that is going on in other peoples relationships the more i realize how lucky I am to have my Patrick. Its good to be with someone who is stable and loves me so much... I think it may be a first for me but i think its one of the best things so far. but i will admit its hard for me to adjust to a much much lower level of chaos. I think i just need to cut some people out of my life for good....burn some bridges....and then maybe I'll become more stable and less indecisive.

ps: Randall, it was good to catch up and hang out yesterday... lots of laughs.. its good to have friends like you :)

caliberkiss @ 2009-03-03T12:41:00

2009-03-03T17:51:59Z

My anxiety has finally stopped after almost 2 months and I feel so good and so happy now. I finally lay in his arms at night with out panicing and sleeping on the couch or leaving the house at 4am just to drive around and calm down. It never made any sense to me cause hes always been so good to me and he never did anything to prevoke those panic feelings. I'm just happy its been 2 days and no anxiety. The sun is really beaming through the blinds and it reminds me of summer. It reminds me of driving with the windows down listening to a mixed cd. I cant wait for the warmer weather. I still listen to the mixed cd's "play loud 1 and play loud 2" they really make me smile...real big.

:)

2009-02-08T17:07:03Z

I just woke up and even though i slept like crap I woke up happy. I swear..getting kissed awake is the best thing ever. Patrick always likes to cuddle me, while I sleep, for like a half hour before he goes into work. Last night we were talking about going on vacation for the weekend to traverse city but i kinda wanna wait till it gets warmer. I wish we could bring the dog with us but Im sure the hotels wouldnt let us have him there. I miss him when ever i am away from him for long periods lol. i know it sounds kinda strange cause hes just a dog but hes my special little guy :) haha allllright i am going to go make breakfast and talk the dog for a walk before i have to go into work .

caliberkiss @ 2009-01-11T13:53:00

2009-01-11T18:55:18Z

Its finally happened and i couldnt be happier. Emotionally I am on top of the world! <3

caliberkiss @ 2008-12-24T20:23:00

2008-12-25T01:34:40Z

So last night was crazy. Why do all my ex's wanna get back together with me like 6 months after we break up??? I had to stay up and listen to josh bawl his eyes out and keep asking me why i wouldnt let him love me and how all he wanted to do was love me and take care of me. Why doesnt he hear me when i tell him I dont want a boyfriend or anything that goes with it. That I wanna be selfish and take care of myself and get my life where i want it to be. Plus all these idiots wanting to fight eachother to be with me or prove they love me or some stupid alpha male bullshit. I know what i want in another person.......its finding it that is the hard part.....and I'm through settleing. I've decided that I am going to move to Royal oak after the winter is over or some where in that area.

say it again..... I dare you.

2008-07-24T17:42:32Z

He called me a slut.

He said he was joking.

I bloodied his face and like a gentlemen he left.

He's making me dinner tonight.

How did my life get so fucked up to the point where this shit seems normal?

aparently the last person to hit him in the face broke his hand in 6 places and didnt even knock him out.

I must say though I have been feeling pretty violent .

2 nights ago i was so drunk that I shoved a deer gutting knife in his mouth because he said I wouldnt do it. of course when i did he threw his body backwards a freeked out and said i almost cut him.... to which i replied :::and this is where you laugh::::

"Who you tryin' to get crazy with ese? Dont you know I'm loco?"

Its been a fucking while

2008-07-21T00:48:51Z

So I feel like shit right now. maybe its becuase i havent taken my meds in two days or the fact that i drank to much last night. I tried stabbing this kid and josh's house cause he kept telling me that i wouldnt do it. mother fucker I was drunk enough to do it if josh wouldnt have stepped in. Josh got a taste of my crazy side the other night when we got home from seeing dark knight. He was pretty freeked out but he got my meds for me and just held me till i passed out from all the sleeping pills and kolonopin. I cant believe how much i have been drinking and smoking. I drink almost every night now, theres always a bottle of wine or two in the fridge at josh's. Me and sam got so trashed last night that i we were singing possum kingdom at the bar as loud as possible into the mic. It was pretty fun. I dont even think i paid for a drink last night now that i think about it. Christ i was so drunk last night that i smoked 7 of this guys newports and then when we got to josh's house i smoked one of madias. josh was totally shocked cause hes never seen me smoke before. i guess before i got there there was some girl there trying to sleep with him but she was gone by the time me and sam showed up which was like 2:30am. I stayed up long enough to try to stab that kid then passed out on the stairs and i think josh carried me up to bed. oh hahah and the best/worst part was this morning.......Josh woke up before me like usual and started kissing my face and cuddeling me like usual and i was like let me up i gotta pee and i asked him if anyone was downstairs and he said no that he had already gone down there and then he had news to tell me but I'll leave that out.....anyones i hop out of bed in my underware and go downstairs and as soon as i walk around the corner and threw the kitchen i look up and adam is sitting on the sofa smoking looking at me . i just start laughing and walk in the bathroom, mind you i had nothing on but underware. apparently he had let himself in and didnt wanna come up stairs and let josh know he was there becuase he figured we wouldnt be wearing clothes so he had just texted josh when i walkIed down stairs... all in all it was funny but akward but no one really made a big deal about it.

In other news i feel like i am married and i am freeking out! I'm supposed to talk to j about it tonight or tomorrow. I think I just need some alone time.... i cant remember the last time i had that and I miss my apartment. It needs to be cleaned. Josh did all my laundry the other day while i was at work and now i have so many clothes i dont know what to do with them all. i have no idea where i am going to put them all. ehh. i definatly need to go threw the shit and rid myself of some but i sooooo dont want to. Even sweeter though....the other day josh got his paycheck and cashed it and handed the money to me and told me to do whatever i want with it! That is the craziest thing ever... no one has ever done that shit with me before ever! blah blah blah theres probabaly a ton more but right now i just wanna chill and enjoy this time alone.

caliberkiss @ 2008-06-30T20:22:00

2008-07-01T01:10:47Z

he turned to me and smiled
blackness in his eyes
devil in his mind
I shot down his stare
lord it felt devine
i know what you think of me
you dont need to speak
my silence is the only thing
that doesnt make me weak
tell me what you mean
give me a drink
and I'll forget
but as soon i start to sober up
I'll have nothing but regret

Is this desire?

FAT SLUT

2008-06-30T23:32:22Z

I wish i didnt have my class tomorrow so i could get the fuck out of here! If i miss it they kick me out of the program......sometimes, well most of the time I want to make that happen.

I'm fucking fine!

cutting is so last year.... branding is the new cutting....get your flame boys and girls!!! lol

I know the hair is horrible and the video is bad... but the song... the song is goood.

my boyfriend is a psycho. I <3 him. I wonder how much they had to pay him to do this video.

caliberkiss @ 2008-06-28T00:56:00

2008-06-28T05:07:48Z

I' m sorry to everyone that I am who I am but in the same breath i am not sorry at all. This is who i am. This is what i can and cant deal with. This is how I feel. This is how i react. This is how I love. This is how I live. I'm sorry to everyone that theres just that one piece missing or one piece to much. I am what I am. You are what you are. It is what it is. let it exist. let me exist. let it all coexist.

lay your law down on me

2008-06-22T19:10:50Z

I think your wrong, these devils of yours they need love

This is my plea for......

2008-06-17T05:11:08Z

I'm losing my mind but if you ask me I'll never admit to it.
God i hope someone somewhere can look me in the eyes and see whats really going on here.
I think right now only one person knows a eighth of what i really feel.

This isnt some bullshit pity speach or anything. I'm just being honest. You shouldnt have to deal with me. I'm a fucking mess but I'm much better at hiding it these days. I'm proud of the fact that I seem much better than I am. I dont want you to see me like this. i dont want you to know me like this. I've never felt ashamed of who i am until this moment and I dont know why now. Maybe its becuase you've only really seen me put together and you might be the only person who has ever only seen that side of me. i know you've heard the stories but you've never had to witness it. i guess maybe it makes me sick that you might see me in all my scars and lack of mind. maybe I'm just afraid of how you're going to react if you catch me in my skin that makes me crawl.

Do you believe in what you feel?............I wish I could....sigh

2008-06-17T01:00:02Z

I think I want..........every thing. I'm slowly tappering of my meds. It's probably not the smartest thing for me to do but sometimes I just wanna fall..... to feel.... to get away from who I'm becoming and maybe to go back to who i was. All I wanna do lately is get away from here. everytime I'm driving away from Bay City I feel more and more at ease. i dont know why.. its always been this way. So like I would usually do I am getting out of here as soon as my meeting is over on tuesday even if its only for a day. I've been having some.....hmm feelings that i really dont wanna mention in here but they are freeking me out. I dont even know why I am feeling this way and i hate that I am back at a place where i dont know what I want. For the last few weeks i have been craving a baby which is something new to me, seeing as how for the last year and a half I have been anti-kid. i dont know where it came from but I dont plan on acting on it. I'm sure, like everything else,... this too will pass. haha thats the story of my life. I'm sure its the story of everyones life, it just seems like almost as soon as i feel something good it passes just as quickly. its like the infamous orgasam i have been chasing. Almost there and then just like that its fucking gone. I dont get it anymore. i dont even know if i fucking care anymore. I think I've just been riding by the seat of my pants for the last few months. I've put on like 7 pounds and I am totally disgusted. I look at myself everyday in the mirror and try to tell my self its ok I'm just voluptuous but eww I feel like a fucking hefer! I look down at myself and Im just DISGUSTED! I think Im going to go for a long walk tonight and working out is definatly going into my rutine. The thing is that I feel bad talking to my girlfriends about gaining wieght cause they are all over weight and everyone is like "oh my god your a twig" and I am just like "wtf are you blind!" I wish i didnt have such a fucking issue with my wieght........I wish my heart would settle on something.... I wish i didnt always want to be getting away from where i live......I wish my wallet would bulk up again (& it would if i didnt have a fucking shopping problem)........I wish i didnt let certain things bother me.......~~I wish I didnt wanna become a mess again.~~

It's a long hard road out of hell.

Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm
But it will only make me colder when it's over
So I can't tonight, baby

How can I fight
When we're on the same side
How can I fight beside you

Dont you dare judge me.

2008-06-12T04:09:52Z

the things i see when no one is paying attention
the things i hear when no one else is listening
the things I've done when no one was watching me
the secrets I keep that no one really knows

i'll show you mine
if you show me yours

gods green grass. ( I just heard a few gun shots....hmm?

2008-06-08T04:23:32Z

I have to get up at 5am and i am totally not looking foward to that shit at all. My head is driving me crazy casue i keep hearing some one talking who isnt there and some one who is humming that are also......not there. and i keep thinking Im seeing shit. granted i am pretty high right now.....but this shit happend last night too.
I am excited about one thing that has to do with tomorrow. I have a brandnew outfit (shoes,skirt, shirt. bra, earings).....Its so fucking hot. I think i spent $90 for everything, maybe a little more..... i dont know for sure casue i bought a bunch of other stuff besides that. I want to build a new wardrobe. slowly as I buy more i get rid of more so everything will balance out. I have two closets packed with clothes so i have to make sure that i get rid of just as much as Im bring in. I kinda wanna redecorate my apartment too just cuase i havent done that in 2 years.....I need a fucking change.

I have my living room windows open so i can hear the rain and the cars driving by. I love those sounds. I wish i could go for a walk right now just so i could be outside but no........I have to go to my ice box bedroom and go to bed so i can get up at 5am to get ready for my seminar in grand rapids..............hopefully we'll have time to go shopping soemwhere. wait no...fuck...it sunday , we'll only get like 3 hours to shop. but for the 4 inch stilettos i will be wearing I think 3 hours straight oh my feet will be more than enough time to shop.:)

oh yeah and yesterday i wore 4 inch heels to work and i made it standing in them for 5 hours straight before i switched to the black fuzzy slippers for the last hour, but by the time it was time to go out to dinner with Randy i was back in those shoes ready for another 5 hours :)

I appologise. this is all a ramble...I am pretty fuckin high at the moment.

my cousin bobby chace's song is gonna be out on the radio pretty soon.

cause 25 to life is no joke.

2008-06-04T19:28:26Z

So I'm going to the hospital in a few minutes casue my dad is going into surgary at 4:00pm. Hopefully everything goes the way its supposed to, i know hes gonna be sick after ward casue he never reacts well to the anaesthesia but at least this time when he's trying to puke blood wont be squirting out of his neck. He should be fine, he's pretty fucking tough.

I hate being at the hospital.....the last time i was at this particular hospital i was a patient in the psychiatirc ward.

ps:thanks tom for coming to visit me everyday and telling me how to break out :)

friends come visit you....real friends tell you how to break out ;)

caliberkiss @ 2008-06-02T00:38:00

2008-06-02T04:42:22Z

All that lies between these eyes is love and hate which gives us fate.

YES!!!!!

2008-05-29T04:32:59Z

blankets & bed time stories

2008-05-28T22:03:12Z

we 'll all grow older but with you here I'll die slower.

street luge racer and global casting star

2008-05-28T09:39:07Z

Im way out in the water but the dead mans float is my specialty.

you'll never wait so long.

I'll try not to stay there forever.

Christ at this point I'll try anything.

I should just get in my car and drive drive drive drive drive

i've walked myself right into a shade of grey but I'm pulling for white....black is just to heavy on my tounge.

I need some sun and a family of miniature giraffes in an open field while i lay on a plastic fold out chair.....you know the kind...early 90's.

then the sweetes thing came forth "I'll make out with you like we were 15" ohhh the days.....those fucking days.

STUPID BOY

2008-05-27T06:16:48Z

"I was doing it for us" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Exactly how stupid do you think I am?

caliberkiss @ 2008-05-25T13:58:00

2008-05-25T18:06:02Z

So I havent really written in here in a little while. I guess I am doing ok. I went out last night and got smashed....sam was drunk too but I made her drive my car home instead of me incase we got pulled over. i know its kind of a dick head thing to do but she drinks much more often than i do and she can handle herself pretty well... and end of story she got us home safe and sound. i dont really remember the last half of the night but I know i was feeling good and apparently I sent out text messages to people I dont talk to that often and i had no idea i did that till i checked my phone this morning and they had responded. Either way the night was pretty good. The day though....oh my god .... I got the most random fucked up phone call I have EVER gotten in my life yesterday while i was at work. I wont say what it was about or who it was but oh my god it was fucked but at the same time I was pretty flattered. I'm sure most people who have hung up once they found out what was going on but i just giggled and rolled with it.
anyway this is just a teeny tiny update. I have to go take a shower and get ready for work. I'll update more later......maybe.

caliberkiss @ 2008-05-19T01:42:00

2008-05-19T05:43:16Z

Put me on top of the highest building.

caliberkiss @ 2008-05-11T20:38:00

2008-05-12T01:08:59Z

you are subtle as a window pane
standing in my view
but I will wait for it to rain
so that I can see you
you call me up at night
when there's no light passing through
and you think that I don't understand
but I do

we don't say everything that we could
so that we can say later
oh, you misunderstood
I hold my cards up
close to my chest
I say what I have to
and I hold back the rest

'cause someone you don't know
is someone you don't know
get a firm grip, girl
before you let go
for every hand extended
another lies in wait
keep your eye on that one
anticipate

dress down get out there
pick a fight with the police
we will get it all on film
for the new release
seems like everyone's an actor
or they're an actor's best friend
I wonder what was wrong to begin with
that they should all have to pretend
we lost sight of everything
when we have to keep checking our backs
I think we should all just smile
come clean
and relax

if there's anything I've learned
all these years on my own
it's how to find my own way there
and how to find my own way back home