caliberkiss

Some crazy shit went down today and I realize that i need to cut people out of my life like i stated in the post before this.  Sooo Thomas this is goodbye.... Shawna this is good luck and please always put shane first (Both of you)....Randall I'll talk to you through our other various online bullshits along with everyone else. I need to let go of my past and stay focused on my present and future.
Please dont contact me any longer and i will extend the same courtsey. This is whats best. I need to pay attention to this good thing I have and stop remebering all the lies and cheating and beatings that I had and realize that not everyone is a fucking dick.



signing off.

My anxiety has finally stopped after almost 2 months and I feel so good and so happy now.  I finally lay in his arms at night with out panicing and sleeping on the couch or leaving the house at 4am just to drive around and calm down. It never made any sense to me cause hes always been so good to me and he never did anything to prevoke those panic feelings. I'm just happy its been 2 days and no anxiety.  The sun is really beaming through the blinds and it reminds me of summer. It reminds me of driving with the windows down listening to a mixed cd. I cant wait for the warmer weather. I still listen to the mixed cd's "play loud 1 and play loud 2" they really make me smile...real big.

Its finally happened and i couldnt be happier. Emotionally I am on top of the world! <3

So last night was crazy. Why do all my ex's wanna get back together with me like 6 months after we break up??? I had to stay up and listen to josh bawl his eyes out and keep asking me why i wouldnt let him love me and how all he wanted to do was love me and take care of me. Why doesnt he hear me when i tell him I dont want a boyfriend or anything that goes with it. That I wanna be selfish and take care of myself and get my life where i want it to be. Plus all these idiots wanting to fight eachother to be with me or prove they love me or some stupid alpha male bullshit. I know what i want in another person.......its finding it that is the hard part.....and I'm  through settleing. I've decided that I am going to move to Royal oak after the winter is over or some where in that area.

He called me a slut.

He said he was joking.

I bloodied his face and like a gentlemen he left.

He's making me dinner tonight. 

How did my life get so fucked up to the point where this shit seems normal?


aparently the last person to hit him in the face broke his hand in 6 places and didnt even knock him out.


I must say though I have been feeling pretty violent .

2 nights ago i was so drunk that I shoved a deer gutting knife in his mouth because he said I wouldnt do it. of course when i did he threw his body backwards a freeked out and said i almost cut him.... to which i replied :::and this is where you laugh::::


"Who you tryin' to get crazy with ese? Dont you know I'm loco?"

 So I feel like shit right now. maybe its becuase i havent taken my meds in two days or the fact that i drank to much last night. I tried stabbing this kid and josh's house cause he kept telling me that i wouldnt do it. mother fucker I was drunk enough to do it if josh wouldnt have stepped in. Josh got a taste of my crazy side the other night when we got home from seeing dark knight. He was pretty freeked out but he got my meds for me and just held me till i passed out from all the sleeping pills and kolonopin. I cant believe how much i have been drinking and smoking. I drink almost every night now, theres always a bottle of wine or two in the fridge at josh's. Me and sam got so trashed last night that i we were singing possum kingdom at the bar as loud as possible into the mic. It was pretty fun. I dont even think i paid for a drink last night now that i think about it. Christ i was so drunk last night that i smoked 7 of this guys newports and then when we got to josh's house i smoked one of madias. josh was totally shocked cause hes never seen me smoke before. i guess before i got there there was some girl there trying to sleep with him but she was gone by the time me and sam showed up which was like 2:30am. I stayed up long enough to try to stab that kid then passed out on the stairs and i think josh carried me up to bed. oh hahah and the best/worst part was this morning.......Josh woke up before me like usual and started kissing my face and cuddeling me like usual and i was like let me up i gotta pee and i asked him if anyone was downstairs and he said no that he had already gone down there and then he had news to tell me but I'll leave that out.....anyones i hop out of bed in my underware and go downstairs and as soon as i walk around the corner and threw the kitchen i look up and adam is sitting on the sofa smoking looking at me . i just start laughing and walk in the bathroom, mind you i had nothing on but underware. apparently he had let himself in and didnt wanna come up stairs and let josh know he was there becuase he figured we wouldnt be wearing clothes so he had just texted josh when i walkIed down stairs... all in all it was funny but akward but no one really made a big deal about it.


In other news i feel like i am married and i am freeking out! I'm supposed to talk to j about it tonight or tomorrow. I think I just need some alone time.... i cant remember the last time i had that and I miss my apartment. It needs to be cleaned. Josh did all my laundry the other day while i was at work and now i have so many clothes i dont know what to do with them all. i have no idea where i am going to put them all. ehh. i definatly need to go threw the shit and rid myself of some but i sooooo dont want to. Even sweeter though....the other day josh got his paycheck and cashed it and handed the money to me and told me to do whatever i want with it! That is the craziest thing ever... no one has ever done that shit with me before ever!  blah blah blah theres probabaly a ton more but right now i just wanna chill and enjoy this time alone.

I wish i didnt have my class tomorrow so i could get the fuck out of here! If i miss it they kick me out of the program......sometimes, well most of the time I want to make that happen.

I'm fucking fine!




cutting is so last year.... branding is the new cutting....get your flame boys and girls!!! lol




I know the hair is horrible and the video is bad... but the song... the song is goood.





my boyfriend is a psycho. I <3 him. I wonder how much they had to pay him to do this video.

I' m sorry to everyone that I am who I am but in the same breath i am not sorry at all. This is who i am. This is what i can and cant deal with. This is how I feel. This is how i react. This is how I love. This is how I live. I'm sorry to everyone that theres just that one piece missing or one piece to much. I am what I am. You are what you are. It is what it is. let it exist. let me exist. let it all coexist.

I'm losing my mind but if you ask me I'll never admit to it.  
God i hope someone somewhere can look me in the eyes and see whats really going on here.
I think right now only one person knows a eighth of what i really feel.

This isnt some bullshit pity speach or anything. I'm just being honest. You shouldnt have to deal with me. I'm a fucking mess but I'm much better at hiding it these days. I'm proud of the fact that I seem much better than I am. I dont want you to see me like this. i dont want you to know me like this. I've never felt ashamed of who i am until this moment and I dont know why now. Maybe its becuase you've only really seen me put together and you might be the only person who has ever only seen that side of me. i know you've heard the stories but you've never had to witness it. i guess maybe it makes me sick that you might see me in all my scars and lack of mind. maybe I'm just afraid of how you're going to react if you catch me in my skin that makes me crawl.

I think I want..........every thing.  I'm slowly tappering of my meds. It's probably not the smartest thing for me to do but sometimes I just wanna fall..... to feel.... to get away from who I'm becoming and maybe to go back to who i was. All I wanna do lately is get away from here. everytime I'm driving away from Bay City I feel more and more at ease. i dont know why.. its always been this way. So like I would usually do I am getting out of here as soon as my meeting is over on tuesday even if its only for a day. I've been having some.....hmm feelings that i really dont wanna mention in here but they are freeking me out. I dont even know why I am feeling this way and i hate that I am back at a place where i dont know what I want. For the last few weeks i have been craving a baby which is something new to me, seeing as how for the last year and a half I have been anti-kid. i dont know where it came from but I dont plan on acting on it. I'm sure, like everything else,... this too will pass. haha thats the story of my life. I'm sure its the story of everyones life, it just seems like almost as soon as i feel something good it passes just as quickly. its like the infamous orgasam i have been chasing. Almost there and then just like that its fucking gone. I dont get it anymore. i dont even know if i fucking care anymore. I think I've just been riding by the seat of my pants for the last few months. I've put on like 7 pounds and I am totally disgusted. I look at myself everyday in the mirror and try to tell my self its ok I'm just voluptuous but eww I feel like a fucking hefer! I look down at myself and Im just DISGUSTED! I think Im going to go for a long walk tonight and working out is definatly going into my rutine. The thing is that I feel bad talking to my girlfriends about gaining wieght cause they are all over weight and everyone is like "oh my god your a twig" and I am just like "wtf are you blind!" I wish i didnt have such a fucking issue with my wieght........I wish my heart would settle on something.... I wish i didnt always want to be getting away from where i live......I wish my wallet would bulk up again (& it would if i didnt have a fucking shopping problem)........I wish i didnt let certain things bother me.......I wish I didnt wanna become a mess again.



It's a long hard road out of hell.


Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm
But it will only make me colder when it's over
So I can't tonight, baby 



How can I fight
When we're on the same side
How can I fight beside you

the things i see when no one is paying attention
the things i hear when no one else is listening 
the things I've done when no one was watching me
the secrets I keep that no one really knows


i'll show you mine 
if you show me yours 

I have to get up at 5am and i am totally not looking foward to that shit at all. My head is driving me crazy casue i keep hearing some one talking who isnt there and some one who is humming that are also......not there. and i keep thinking Im seeing shit. granted i am pretty high right now.....but this shit happend last night too.
I am excited about one thing that has to do with tomorrow. I have a brandnew outfit (shoes,skirt, shirt. bra, earings).....Its so fucking hot. I think i spent $90 for everything, maybe a little more..... i dont know for sure casue i bought a bunch of other stuff besides that. I want to build a new wardrobe. slowly as I buy more i get rid of more so everything will balance out. I have two closets packed with clothes so i have to make sure that i get rid of just as much as Im bring in. I kinda wanna redecorate my apartment too just cuase i havent done that in 2 years.....I need a fucking change.


I have my living room windows open so i can hear the rain and the cars driving by. I love those sounds. I wish i could go for a walk right now just so i could be outside but no........I have to go to my ice box bedroom and go to bed so i can get up at 5am to get ready for my seminar in grand rapids..............hopefully we'll have time to go shopping soemwhere. wait no...fuck...it sunday , we'll only get like 3 hours to shop. but for the 4 inch stilettos i will be wearing  I think 3 hours straight oh my feet will be more than enough time to shop.:) 


oh yeah and yesterday i wore 4 inch heels to work and i made it standing in them for 5 hours straight  before i switched to the black fuzzy slippers for the last hour, but by the time it was time to go out to dinner with Randy i was back in those shoes ready for another 5 hours :)


I appologise. this is all a ramble...I am pretty fuckin high at the moment.



my cousin bobby chace's song is gonna be out on the radio pretty soon.